09.23.03 5:34 pm
and i still have to do that report on dill...

today i was in such a hurry this morning, that i forgot to put on deoderant. ill never forget to put it on again, i swear.

tomorrow ive got to be at school at 7:30 for a beta club meeting. thatll be three hectic mornings in a row. im begining to think that clubs really suck.

oh i really love fall!

im having best friend withdraws again. oh im horrible! oh! oh! oh! oh! woe is me! at least i wont be going into a paragraph about how hott these few guys are. guys that i never talk to anymore, or at all in elmos case. blah.

i need to go to self-esteem camp. i need to go to "learn how to be a normal teenage girl" camp. i hate that im not happy with myself. and i hate myself in general. can people tell when youre down on yourself? can they sense the waves of negativity? i wouldnt be surprised. perhaps if i actually talked to people at least once in awhile. you know, i still feel guilty about the whole "being a bitch to the super funky awesome kids who talked to me when i sat alone at lunch" thing. i think i blow things out of proportion, and then i can never let them go, which makes me too embarassed to ever talk to them again. which, im guessing, is really sad. i really need to talk to someone in person and tell them all this. i think getting it out verbally would help. but i also feel guilty when talking to people about my stupid little problems which i really downplay... a lot. i guess thats not entirely a bad thing because after all, they are my dumb little problems. whenever i start to talk about these things, i cry. its so... i dunno. i just feel sooo vunerable. and i hate not being in control of what other people will do or say about the stuff i tell them. i think im a controlling person, to some extent. i see it whenever im in a group project thing in class. i know people can sense this, because it seems like, i dunno... im probably totally assuming this so i wont even say anything. asd;glhadf...

ive been ending a lot of paragraphs like that lately... hahaha.

sometimes i just feel like going wild. twriling and screaming and painting and singing and jumping and "dancing" all at once. preferably naked... or with a nice flow-y dress, white. maybe in a feild of soft grass and pretty clouds in the bright sun. and the birds would leave because im such a nusance. and because i cant spell.

you know what would be nice? a hug from a scrawny boy. boy friend. friendly boy. *winkwink*

ugh, i just got a call from mrs money. i have to babysit in an hour. i have lots of homework to do. i shouldve dont it earlier. ugh.

its been real.