02.07.04 1:21 pm
i dont know why im telling you this, its really embarassing and makes me want to crawl into a hole and decompose.

i really hope im feeling worse than he is. god, im like a fucking retard.

i really dont think jeff was going to call last night. i dont know why, seems like hed feel the major third wheel with kirby and alan. but anyways, i called and after awhile we got directions straightened out. all three of them came to pick me up. i was mad i was the one who had to call, but i was so happy when he picked me up that i forgot to say anything. (i know, im a fucking cheese wad.) so we all went to blockbuster to get the movie the labrynth. only kirby and i had seen it before, and we both liked it. i dont think the guys were too keen on it. we got back to alans around 7:30 - 8:00ish. so me and jeff sat on the couch and kirby and alan sat on the chairs opposite each other. i dunno why they didnt sit together, i guess kirbys really whatever about that. thats what alans said before anyways. so we watch about half the movie, everyone added their own smart ass comments, when jeffs had enough (hes been complaining about the movie since the begining). so jeff goes into alans room and i follow him. hes messing on the computer, screwing with a few kids. were just talking. then we look through alans music (the poor kid likes jet *shakes head*). so me and jeff are laying on the bed and talking. alans beds only a twin, so were having a tough time getting comfortable, hahaha. then jeff starts laying me down and kissing me. but, instead of closing my eyes and just going with it like any normal girl would, i pull the deer-in-headlights act again. i fucking froze. and then i start saying the most embarassing things ever. i was like, "i cant kiss blah blah blah, i dont know how blah blah blah..." and hes like, "youve never kissed anyone before?" and i blah blah some more and he gets off me. what the fuck was i thinking? im such a fucking retard! so we go back to talking about music and what not. i felt sick. why am i so scared? god, its so stupid! he obviously didnt care that i mightve been bad, cause he kept going, but no, im so fucking stupid! why? aklsdfjas! so... then we go back into the living room and flip around on tv. we end up watching that sex talk show on the oxygen channel. it was hilarious. one girl called in about anal sex and it was great. then we went to mcdonalds. i rode with jeff anf kirby and alan took another car. i felt really bad and kinda awkward, but we ignored it. i wanted to apologize so bad, but is that a thing you can/should apologize for? i dunno. so we went to mcdonalds. i was feeling really sick to my stomach so i didnt get anything. tuck was there and i asked about french class. i think that kinda ticked jeff a bit, but that french class was almost like a family! hahaha, so many memories! so they ate and i stared off into space. jeff and alan did most of the talking. everything went really downhill from the point in the bedroom. when we got back to alans we got ready to leave. jeff took me home. i felt so bad. we said goodbye and i left without so much as a hug. god, what an awesome relationship, huh? he revved the car as i was walking to the door, that made me laugh. so i pretty much felt horrible for the rest of the night. i got home at 10:30 but didnt go to be till 12:30, even though i was exhausted. i pretty much thought about jeff all night and most of this morning. the only thing that made me feel a bit better was conan and watching the walkmen perform. but im a lot better today. though i wouldnt be surprised if jeff dumped me. im still having doubts as to if he really likes me or not. i mean, i honestly dont think he was going to call me last night. but whatever. ill talk to him later, though i dont feel like doing it over the phone and definately dont want to do it online. so, i probably wont untill monday.

god, im such a fuck up, the worst girlfriend ever. what the fucks my problem? i mean, its one thing to want something, but then to refuse it? twice? what am i going to do with myself?

unfortunately, its been very real.