02.23.04 6:59 pm
im totally sane and sober, too sane and sober

i just nearly had a dizzy spell.

i feel compelled to write. i know what ill end up saying and i dont want to say it but i will anyways.


i will take one thing and base a whole something big upon it. and i will contradict little things in the whole analysis, making all this completely confusing and pointless. i backtrack everything and try to be correct from all angles and i just end up getting nothing across, sloving nothing, and not making how i feel any better. just more confused. and stupid. theres always room for me to feel stupid for what i do or how i think or try to rationalize things.

i want someone to run my life for me. as much as i say i hate not being in control, id love just as much for someone to make all my decisions for me. all the right decisions. whats best for me. i have an opinion yes im getting older and ive got to think for myself more but i dont want to. getting older and being alone is scary.

i will over think till my death, i will.

or it will be my death. sitting by the window and thinking while everyone else is living. i will be debating putting myself out there and being at risk of rejection. life will pass me by and ill be thinking...

"what will happen..." will become, "what wouldve happened."

am i really like that now? i cant stand to see myself being nothing. just there. i dont know, because im doing it, arent i?

what am i saying, anyways? i dont think i make sense to myself at this point. but i do... i just dont quite understand.

this is completely pointless. but you know what? i didnt talk about what i thought i would, and thats pretty awesome.

its been real.

is this what being a teenager is all about?