03.08.04 4:47 pm
i knew it! its ooooooover.

haha, this is so weird! last week was the best week me and jeff had. we split up today (i bet you guys are glad, now i wont be talking about him anymore). im not sad, really, i feel more weird. i feel like i should be sad or feel bad or whatever, but i cant. i even tried to cry today but i couldnt. that probably makes me sound really... high and mighty maybe, but im not. i just cant bring myself to feel bad about this in any way. which, if you think about it, isnt that weird at all. i mean, we really didnt have anything. he never called, we went out about three times during a time span of four months, and we had next to nothing in common. im very much into art, and i still dont know what his hobbies are. i still cant really think why we went out in the first place. maybe it was just a mutual crush. i started off last year not caring that i was single and i didnt think about jeff and all. not untill jake and micheal started talking to me about him. jakes the one who got us together and in a way he helped to split us. because i dont think jeff wouldve dumped me today if i hadnt approached him. thats jeff for you. it was so funny, whitney can vouche for me too, i was something short of excited about breaking up. i was all smiley and laughing, like when he asked me out. the only thing that came out of this and that ill miss in the future is that he was my first kiss and i really wanted to persue a physical relationship with him. since i was (am) new at all this stuff. me being easily swayed and naive, he probably couldve had me in bed, so maybe thats another good thing about us spliting. so i guess really its a relief for the both of us. this whole thing was a lot of nothing. but i sorta nice lot of nothing.

woah, almost cried there.

whats really bothering me now is my total lack of friends. thinking about jeff so much has distracted me from the fact that i dont have close friends. but now that im thinking of other things, i feel really ... i dunno. im going to be going back to the routine of going straight to my classes and not hanging during break. i didnt think it possible, but my social status has dropped again. but i think i mightve gained i new little kinda of confidence. or maybe ive hindered myself. on one side, its like, "well jeff liked me, so maybe other boys will/can, too?" but i also think, "what if hes the only kid that will like me?" but ill just have to wait and see, really.

i think im going to persue art a little more aggresively now. what do you think?

i think writing all this down may have made me a bit sad, but im also really really happy still.

this week two major good things will be going on. hopefully ill be getting my permit and on friday ill be getting my tooth! so with that perhaps ill be a little more confident? i dunno.

at least now ill have something to talk about with my therapist, hahaha.