03.18.04 4:39 pm
the universal burden

im sitting here, with a splitting headache, listening to my current anthem. "fair" by ben folds five.

every couple nights or so, you know you pop into my dreams. i just cant get rid of you like you got rid of me. oooh, but i send my best, cause god knows youve seen my worst. yeah, well, all is fair, all is fair in love. all this breathing in, never breathing out. all this breathing in, never breathing out. all this breathing in, never breathing out.

*sigh* you guys, please pray for rain or at least cloudy skies tomorrow. y'see, if weather is fair, i have to do an overnight babysitting gig of 11 year old twin girls and a 5 year old boy. im just not prepared for that kind of career move, im really not. ill be in m'boro in someone elses house for a whole night? not cool. even though ive nowhere to go or noone to hang with, ill feel desperately detatched. bleh. and plus, kids just make me nervous, espcially young ones.

i dont think i think about jeff very often, but when i do, it makes me sick. and i feel horrible. and i beat myself up, bleh! why the fuck cant i let things go, huh? it frustrates me to no end and that just makes it worse. sdkfj.

today in world geo we got onto the subject of homosexuality. i showed those stupid kids a thing or two. there is nothing wrong with it! haha, cash knows not to mess with me. i feel so invigorated after a good debate! does that make me a dork?

im still psyched about the show! its only a month away! less than, really! im going to be so cute and god dammit something will happen that night.

today i found a pair of jeans in the math hall. i decided to take them to class with me and wrote a letter and pinned it to them. whitney, betsey, lauren, and savannah were in on this, too. we initialed the letter and the jeans and stuck them into a random locker. well, jake did that, im a puss. good times. i wonder if that person will pass them on? i bet they laugh when they read it... i hope they do.

well therapy yesterday was interesting. we talked about conversation and that made me feel like an idiot. i realized i know how to talk to people im just afraid too. i just feel like im inturding or im a burden... shit like that. so i cried and cried about how i dont like what i do and how i dont feel quite worthy. mrs therapist (i still cant remember her name) gave me a couple assignments. one is to listen for the broken record that plays in my head. y'know, the one that repeats that certain phrase, whether it be good or bad (mines bad). i havent noticed it today, and ive been listening hard. i think my problem is totally conditional. what with losing my friends then and boyfriend now. im intimidated and i dunno. bad times, i think, hahaha. how do you feel reading this? are you turned off? i would be.

hm... i think thats about it.

its been real.