04.30.04 5:50 pm

dad got back from his buisiness trip today. *sigh* i kinda liked that taste of not having a father.

well, last night i totally lost it. after i got home from the play at about 9ish, my sister was being really gay and i yelled at her for acting selfish and i just totally lost it. i guess it was the adding up of all those little things. after i wrote that entry yesterday things just got worse. i led some innocent boys on (and i know this is going to sound sooooooo ___ of me) and now i think at least one of them likes me. and as i was venting to my mom i was speaking straight from... my heart? haha, that sounds lame. but i said i didnt want another boyfriend. but anyways, i felt really bad for leading them on because now i like dont want to talk to them if they like me. i know how messed up that sounds but as you can tell im not too emotionally/mentally healthy right now. last night i convinced mom of my depression. she didnt want me to take the medicince before but thats because i put on such a good show. you kids at school have no idea. how would you know? im always so giddy. so yeah, that was the first time i had really talked to mom about how i really felt. i didnt get to talk about everything, though, and i didnt want to. say those things out loud made me feel even worse. so yeah, now mom wants me to take the medicine, too. but now im not so sure anymore. im so afraid of it. prescription happiness. and it goes againts everything ive said abuot it. id be the biggest hypocrite. i dont know.

last night after the play i was in the hall. girl* (you know what that means) and her boyfriend were begining to argue where i was. obviously boyfriend had no shame. so i went backstage. they then moved their arguement there, except boyfriend had pushed her into the room and has being rough with her and sounding so evil. i flipped out and being the coward that i am, walked away. i beat myself up about that soo bad last night. i feel like shit for being such a coward. i couldve easily screamed and people wouldve come running to help, but i walked away. the poor girl is in one of those abusive relationships you always hear about but never really believe is possible. i couldve helped her but i didnt. im fucking scum. such a fucking coward.

well.... i should be going. ive got to be at school in about ten minutes. yay. now ive got to be bothered by those guys i messed with (not physically, ew).

today jake talked about how he talked about me with jeff. sorry, i had to add. i passed him in the hall and he said "oh my god" or something. istead of replying something clever (like, "yes?") i just made a face. i know he doesnt want anything to do with me. god im messed up.

yehaw. only two more shows to go after tonights.

oh, the art show was last night (and tonight, but i dont think theyre giving out more awards this time) and i didnt win a single thing. not even an honorable mention. that made me feel bad. i know thats stupid but i really love art and i feel bad that im not accelling at it. and whats worse is i think that some things that won awards just plain stunk. and this is probably just really biased, but i think my real-to-abstract was much better than shannas, and she got something for hers. bah.

im a brat, i guess.

its been real.