08.31.04 4:12 pm

i had such an amazingly weird dream last night. it was one of those dreams that had 6 different story lines that somehow managed to flow together. i wont try to explain them all in sequence because it would be tedious, itd take forever, and after it all you guys still wouldnt understand it. but it was one of those dreams that left me wanting more, just because its so flawlessly random. ill explain the part that has completely stuck with me. i dont know if its because i secretly love it or beause i outwardly find it kind of disturbing.

so jeff, my ex-boy-friend (irl), had been in a car accident. he ended up being pretty badly hurt and was confined to a wheelchair by his crippled legs. zack from art (who i have a sort of crush on, irl) wheels jeff into art class for somereason. this time (i had seen him before) his legs were gone. (when we had liked each other and even when we were going out, i couldnt really talk to him. whether i was intimidated or wasnt self assured i still havent figured out.) i hadnt been able to talk to him when he had legs, but not that they were gone, i found it very easy to talk to him. i went up to him very cheerfully and giddy (like i usually am, irl) and started chatting away. (i find that part of the dream so innapropriate!) i asked him what happened (still smiling and cheery-sick) and he became upset. he turned his head away from me so i tried my best to... cuddle(?) him in the wheelchair (you shouldve seen that). he started to explain the car crash, but before he got past that, he started to cry, saying, "i promised myself i wouldnt do this," like someone being interviewed by barbara walters. i started to cry, too, and leaned towards him. soon after that (i dont know how this became but... its a dream) i had a certificate type thing in my hand and jeff was on the floor, wheelchair gone. the paper said "in memory of jeff. cause of death carbon..." i dont remember/know what kind of carbon death it was, which is so weird.

thats the part that has me worked up. i think it has to do with me wanting to be somebodys first, first girlfriend, first kiss, first etc. jeff was in it for obvious reasons. he was my first kiss, and my first boyfriend that lasted over two weeks. as for the ability to talk to hiim only after he had lost his legs... im not too sure. i think thats the most disturbing part of that dream segment. and all its left me is wanted to be held by him again. i havent thought about him in a looooong time, but this dream brought it all back up. im reliving conversations/events at this very moment. and ever since then ive felt this weight, emotionally and physically. pardon the cliche, but it is quite literally like im carrying it on my shoulders. i think its the weight that only those who have love and lost can feel. and i am lonely.

its been real.