12.28.08 7:18 pm
it doesn't flow

sometimes you definitely do notice, but i ask, "what?" or "what's so funny?" and i always say nothing. it's me, it's you, it's us, it's living.

one time we were driving in complete silence. thirty, maybe forty minutes. it was after a nice evening, but i was nervous. by the time we reached your car, i wanted to cry. that may have also been the night you (almost?) forgot to hug/kiss me goodbye. i cried on the way home.

so far that has been the low point of our relationship. forty minutes of silence. for a low, that's pretty great. since then things have been much better. however, i still have my doubts. but who doesn't?

right now, i think i would like to be single. i love spending time with you, but the times we are together are becoming more and more spaced. it's neither my fault (and i say) nor yours. but i don't like it. i try to be mature and give you the benefit of the doubt, but not wanting to spend new years with your girlfriend of a year is a little disconcerting.

i will admit i cried. this new year's eve will suck because i am scheduled to close that night and open the next morning. meaning i can't drink or even stay up that late. i thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to spend a holiday with my sXe boyfriend.

i guess these days i am mostly frustrated with work and love. the band and my relationships with those involved couldn't be any better. we are in the planning stages of a huge 45 day tour for this summer. i am saving money and will return to school in the fall.

work is a huge source of stress for me. i've had it working in a shitty retail shop. i make shit and the girls i work with are ridiculous. even though i'm the most competent person there, i've got the lowest ranking and i'm pretty sure my manager doesn't like me. i want to go back to the coffee shop. i loved that job. i don't want to work at starbucks, but i may. it's the closest thing.

i feel stupid because i am not in school, but i am going back. i've just got to hold on for nine more months. i feel like such a shit head in that regard.

so, i am very happy and satisfied and also on the border of being miserable at the same time. a walking contradiction.