03.15.09 1:35 am
this entry is poorly written and totally boring.

hahaha, i just read my last entry. i was planning having a serious walk with justin the next night (thursday). but thursday he seemingly ditched me to web cam with some girl from PA. i was livid, totally hurt. so i freaked out, called a friend, and talked. i also got drunk, hahaha. i loved him, but he didn't love me. i couldn't take that shit anymore. giving so much and getting nothing in return.

so i made him meet me friday after work, and i told him

"i love you, but i don't feel like you love me."

which was met with a frown and silence, so i talked. we agreed to break up, that we'd be happier apart. i only cried a teeny bit in front of him, i was so proud. i bawled during the drive home. that was a friday night.

i bought a pack of camel lights and a 40 oz of bud light and drove to east nashville. friends of ours (pineapple explode) were having a house show and i knew i needed to keep myself busy. i cried on the way, got lost, cried some more, but pulled myself together when i got there. 20 oz and a handful of cigarettes later and i was happily telling people who mentioned my ex that we had just broken up hours ago. the show was alright, it killed quite i few hours, and i drove home exhausted and crying.

but a stroke of luck, i was off work saturday and sunday. saturday i drove to murfreeseboro for my older sister's birthday party. it wasn't untill 7, but an old ex had asked me to come to lunch with him. the timing was so perfect, he had invited me out just days before justin and i broke up. however, i was too sad to eat or be good company, so i went to my mom's place. of course, i cried on the ride up. as soon as i got to my mom's i collapsed in her arms. i know, i'm a huge gay baby. even though i'd known he hadn't loved me for months, it was still devastating. i ended up sleeping all day, i didn't feel like doing much else. i woke up and went to the surprise party. i drank beer, bowled, cried a little, but all in all had a good time. it snowed on the way back to my mom's, but i didn't really care. the weather was too shitty to go to a bar, so i went to sleep.

sunday i had work around 2:30, so i woke up, hung around for a bit, then drove back home. my manager kept me busy and didn't ask about justin, so i was happy. when i got home around 7, i deleted justin from everything, myspace, facebook, aim, and send him a message telling him so. zach, the ex who wanted to go to lunch, had been texting me all day, and said he's be in east nashville that night. he invited me to have drinks with him. a few other people asked me to hang out as well, so that made me pretty happy. i had band practice at 10 that night, so i politely declined with everyone but zach. i said we could have a few before practice, as the band lived a couple blocks away from the bar where he wanted to meet. i had drinks then went to practice. sunday night was a productive night.

i had monday off, because that was the night of pineapple explode's debut at the mercy lounge. i was so excited, but i was also pretty upset. justin and his friend, kirk, were going to come - before we broke up. i secretly wanted them to show up, but i knew they wouldn't come, and it was for the best anyways. i don't really remember what i did monday during the day. i'm sure i slept during most of it, i was up till dawn the previous night. i picked up a friend, then made our way to nashville. i had to stop for gas, and while i was there, justin sent me a text. i still have it saved.

"I know this might not be the best time but i wanna say this before it's too late. You are really important to me and i want you too be apart of my life im some way. I understand that might not be possible now but i will be here when it is."

it was pretty upsetting. i sent him one back to the gist of "i can't be that was for you right now, but maybe we can be friends someday" and wrote it off as him feeling guilty. i shed a few tears and we went to nashville. i was sooo antsy at the house. it was the 8 of 8th event, which takes place every monday at the mercy lounge. 8 locals play a 15 minute set each and people drink and it's generally a great time (though i had never been to one before). eventually we pack up and leave. i have two beers before the show, we play a kick ass set, and i have two beers after. it was a great time. i didn't think about justin much at all. so that was the fifth night of drinking and coming home way late in a row. (i drank with a friend thursday, the night i decided to end it. i was pretty upset.)

i woke up early on tuesday around 10 (haha). i didn't have to be at work untill 4:30 or so, but i don't remember what my plans were. at this point, i was becoming ok with being single. keeping myself busy the past few days really helped. i had remembered how things used to be and stuff. then justin called me at 10:30. my heart lept, but i felt sick. i was happy and scared. what could he possibly want? he doesn't love me. i answered pretty ambivalently. he sounded pretty upset, i think he had been crying. he asked me what i was doing (nothing) and said he needed to talk to me. i told him very matter-of-fact-ly that i had a show last night and was smelly and needed to shower, could he wait? we decided to meet at waffle house at 12:30.

what. the. fuck. i'm so confused. but i hurry, nonetheless. i get there before he does, which is such a surprise, i'm always late. he parks next to me, and i look at him. he gets out of his car and into mine. "hey"s may or may not have been exchanged, i can't remember. he looks at me, he's upset. he says, "i love you, i really do," and cries. i'm stunned. i'm not showing any emotion. he goes on to say how he wants me in his life and doesn't want to lose me. i'm skeptical.

i don't really remember a whole lot and i'm starting to lose interest in typing this shit. it was the first time i'd seen justin cry, i think. maybe it was the second.

i took him back though. he definitely has made a change. he contacts me now, he greets me with hugs and kisses again, acts like he wants to see me. but i wonder if i took him back too quickly? i guess he just needed a wake-up call. he talked about his abandonment issues and stuff, too. i'm telling you though, if he gets out of line, i'm not going to wait months before i stand up. that's another thing, our communication is SHIT. i told him we need to talk. he's a very quite person, and doesn't like to show his emotion. but communication is fucking key, so i'm going to help him. i remember telling him in the car, "you can talk to me, that's what i'm here for, i'm not going to judge you" like i was a fucking therapist, but it's true.

i may elaborate later. probably not.