when the young barista reveals to me, through the detailing of her weekend plans, that she has a husband and a two-year-old, i feel my chest tighten. the weight of loss and uncertainty grips me. or is it the anxiety of (not) knowing what the next 18 years of my life would entail. is she happy living in a small town marrying young having kids working in a drive-thru espresso shop. could i have been happy had i been born in a town with a population of 2,000? would it be easier for me to find joy with limited choices?

i'm 35. i just ended the toxic relationship with justin on the first of the month. bonez died on april 8th. i was laid off on june 14th. i don't even know who i am, much less where and how i want to invest 40 hours/week of my life for the next 30 years. christ almighty. where did i go wrong.

i want to blame my parents, and i know they played their part, but i'm an adult now. it's time for me to take responsibility and start from square one and try hard things and learn lose laugh love. or whatever.

i want to be a joyful person. i want joy to come easily. i want to radiate joy. i don't want to accidentally trauma dump about the death of my dog at a pottery workshop.

maybe the first step is trauma dumping. then realizing that's not who you want to be. and the step after that is resisting the urge to trauma dump next time. you could make a joke instead?

i would LOVE to stop thinking about the nail in the coffin of that fucked up, draining relationship. i would love to stop replaying the events of seeing his dick beaten raw from masturbating, of him leaving me every morning to watch porn in the next room, of him getting really fucking stern with me the morning before i left. the incredible hysterical-bonding-fuel sex we had later that day. twice. the lies, the deflection, the rejection, the negligence. i wonder what being in a loving relationship is like?

yes, my future is uncertain and i'm scared shitless, but i also instantly felt lighter. the next few months might be challenging, but they will be better. my future will be better. i will be ok.

i always am.

the barista told me she'd planned on driving to olympia tomorrow to visit winco and another grocery store--her monthly haul. i told her i really make a day of my trips to olympia, "i get real fancy and visit target." she told me she had two choices: go shopping with her husband to assist with the toddler, but miss out on target and goodwill (he doesn't have the patience), or go solo with the toddler, and visit all the extra stores with more difficulty. but isn't there a secret, third thing?