04.29.04 4:40 pm

i honestly dont think i could beat myself up any more than i already do. i just cant let myself feel good about how i am and what i do. why is that?

ive got loads i can say but its nothing new and you wouldnt be interested.

did you know my ex dumped me because i was boring? among other things.

its embarassing that im still on it sometimes.

speaking of on it, i will be menstrating soon. how fucking grandma did that sound? its sounded quite gross, too.

that stripey skirt brittany gave me before she moved away, well i can sorta fit into it better now. im going to hem it over the weekend. i should proabably buy a slip, too, its kinda transparent. but i really like it, and being shorter will make it look a lot less grandma and a lot more thrift cute.

i need some belts.

im angry about this weekend. theres so much stuff going on that i cant do for one reason or another. among those things are:

riverfest (faren has to work)

craftfair (noone wants to go w/ me)

rcktwn on friday (im sworn to the play)

bah. whys life like that? me, i rarely go out, but when i want to, ive got to stay and do much less enjoyable things.

when i used to go out i knew everyone i saw now i go out alone if i go out at all

damnit i love the walkmen. i will buy their album as soon as i get money.

my moms being really (excuse me) gay about money. all-of-a-sudden shes all, "im not going to buy you things anymore, you need to buy what you want with your own money." which fucking pisses me off. remember when i was begging for a job and she wouldnt let me get one? hm? well, she still wont let me get one. how fucking fucked up is that? the only way i can earn money is by babysitting. for the church and for random people my mom knows. what the fuck. i fucking hate babysitting, what the hell is that? i cant get a real fucking job. damn it, why the fuck is she acting like that? im soo pissed off. i make about $48, every-other month for the church, and the people ill babysit for probably wont pay much either. i mean, i get $7/h at church, but i dont work much. im so fucking pissed off, i hate babysitting why cant i fucking get a real job? i dont understand why shes all "buy your own shit," when not long ago she would not let me get a job. a;sldfjk;alskdjfaksf!!!!!!

damnit. im enraged now, if you couldnt tell. and ive got to be back at school no later than 6 for that damn play. im so fucking sick of steven following me around and trying to lord knows what and im sick of jake acting like he is. i dont fucking care if im leading him on, what the fuck hes known me for so long. i just dont want him touching me! damnit thats how i am with my guys friends, but i dont want that. fuck no. as;djkf;askldfj;laksjdfl;aksdjf;klasjd;fkljas;dfklj;asldkfjasdfklj

and im still hung up on some level with jeff.

whats my fucking problem im so frustrated i could explode. or cry. yeah, cry. thats what im doing.

but then my logic kicks in and is "what do you have to be frustrated over, you do next to nothing, blah blah!" and i get even more worked up and more pissed and more frustrated.

now after reading this you guys will be freaked out and never talk to me again.

does everyone have these moments? im sick of this. i want to go back 3-4 years ago. there was nothing like this wrong with me then. i was only pissed because my friends were prettier than me and had boys fawning over them. now i dont even have any girlfriends.

i dont fucking understand myself and im begining to think thats the worst feeling the worst position to be in.

moms home, dry your face allyson.